Go on.

Dragging her feet
making her way towards whatever she
has to face that day.

Eyes glazed and gray
hair tangled as if soaked and woven
everything is slow.

Maybe she cares
but now that she’s over the first hindrance
she doesn’t listen.

Hands in her pockets
as if digging for lost treasures in there
not that she’d find any.

Dragging her feet
postponing the soon-needed decision
because of that truth.

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10 thoughts on “Go on.

  1. I love the line, “hair tangled as if soaked and woven”. I wish the visual image had a good rounding off in the following line. The “everything is slow” feels disconnected from the “eyes” and “hair”.

    Speaking of “eyes”, the line break creates a lovely double-entendre with the word “gray”. It’s almost making the eyes and the hair gray at the same time. :-)

    Is this a particular form? The repetition of the first line of the poem in the first line of the final stanza is familiar but it’s the only repetition that I noticed so it stands out; but I love the way that particular repetition calls attention to the synchronicity and “coming full circle”.

    There are some really fun (and challenging) poetry forms that work with line repetitions.

    The only concern I have with this one (other than the fact that I enjoyed the hair and eyes so much I wanted a completed image) is in the sentence structure. Have you taken the line breaks out and read each stanza as a sentence? Some of them aren’t quite sentences; which means either some words need to be juggled/tense changed, or additional punctuation included for clarity, or the punctuation dropped completely.

    The narrator’s subject sounds like me before the first cup of tea for the day. lol The third stanza fascinates me the most:

    Maybe she cares
    but now that she’s over the first hindrance
    she doesn’t listen.

    It makes me wonder; What is it she “maybe” cares about? What was the “first hindrance”? Who is she not listening to and what are they saying?

    *grins* As a fiction writer as well as a poet, poems like this make me say… “There is a story in that.” :-D

  2. The “everything is slow” is a bit out of context from the lines before it, you got that right :) I needed a feeling, a setting of sorts, to finish my image. It would have been better to find something related to her appearence…

    I like it when my poems are strange, don’t seem to make sense even, without having backstory. That might be because I’m a fiction writer as well and my poems are often teenytiny glimpses of something so much more complex…

    The form isn’t anything particular, not that I know of. I just decided to have x many syllables in each line… The visual aspect of my poems overrides the words sometimes lol

    As for whole sentences… there may be comma’s missing, but as far as I can tell it sounds all right when read? My line breaks serve as commas in reading, a slight pause. And the only punctuation is the period… So I’m not sure what’s confusing?

    • line breaks serve as commas in reading

      With that understanding it does make sense. And while line breaks do create a visual and emotional sense of pause, enjambment is usually read aloud without. That is why I believe punctuation is so important in poetry. It helps prevent confusion in readers.

      In this case I understand your decision NOT to add the commas. It would look bland and repetitive to the eye with so many end-stopping commas and it would disrupt the flow and sense of unity between the lines.

      It was only the last stanza where the punctuation “bugged” me:

      “Dragging her feet
      postponing the soon-needed decision
      because of that truth.”

      The sentence, “Dragging her feet postponing the soon-needed decision because of that truth.”, just doesn’t sound right. But that’s because I read the enjambed lines without end-stops.

      With end-stops it becomes, “Dragging her feet; postponing the soon-needed decision, because of that true.” And that does make sense. :-D

    • @Coin & Feather: Thank you! I think we all have days like this, yes. Some more often than others, but we all have our “story”…

      Thank you for commenting and nice to see you :)

    • @Pearl: I love your interpretation, the black and white film bit is close to what I was going for.

      I wish I could tell you what her dilemma is, I really don’t know :) Maybe it will come out in another poem some day. I’ll make sure to link to this one if it ever does ;)

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